spring feeling

*

*

Love, M.

So fine, really fine

*

*

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..

Eat.Pray.Love

Elizabeth Gilbert:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

"I think I deserve something beautiful."

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."

"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving."

"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Just...beautiful!

Love, M.

Satellite heart

Im, A Satellite Heart

*

*

But I'll Be True To You
No Matter What You Do, Yeah I'll Be True To You.

Zic

De cand cu dezastrul din Japonia, citesc aproape zilnic orice stire despre ce urmeaza sa se intample in lume. Evident, ziarele exagereaza. S-a ajuns la asa o sete de audienta si de bani in primul rand, incat unii sunt in stare sa minta cu nerusinare, chiar daca minciunile lor alimenteaza fricile multor cititori. Si totusi, stau si ma gandesc ca lumea e intr-o decadenta continua pe care nu putem si nici nu avem cum s-o cosmetizam.

E trist cum calamitati trezesc populatii intregi, fara s-o trezeasca de fapt. Pentru ca desi cu totii aratam compasiune sau empatie, nimeni nu poate pricepe ce e in sufletul unui om care a pierdut tot si a ramas doar cu o frica de neinteles, cu lipsa persoanelor dragi, lipsa celor construite poate cu greu intr-o viata de om. Suntem prea mici sa intelegem disperarea altora pentru ca fiecare din noi are drama lui existentiala. Fiecare din noi simte ca i se intampla cele mai grele lucruri, cele mai nedrepte, ca e neinteles si singur. Si eu simt asta de multe ori.

Azi imi dau seama ca, de fapt, drama mea existentiala nu exista. Nu am realizat suficient de multe lucruri, nu am construit destule, nu am cunoscut destui oameni, nu am crezut indeajuns in ceea ce conteaza. In toata criza asta de idei si emotii imi dau seama ca propria-mi decadenta e indusa de fiecare zi in care alunec pe intuneric, fara sa urmez vreun drum, fara sa-mi asum riscuri, fara sa ma desprind de frici, incertitudini. Oamenii care stau langa mine ma ajuta sa vad asta mai mult ca oricand.

Luv, M.

Beautiful lie

Am auzit melodia asta prima oara cand am ajuns in Portugalia.

Aseara am auzit-o iar.

*

Yesterday, today, tomorrow
Fade away like frozen photographs.
Remember, forget
The stakes, the ways you take,
The ways you make the moments pass.
For every regret,
I tell a beautiful lie.
And I would die if you find out.
I tell a beautiful lie every time that I
did not open up my mouth.
All the same, it’s a game,
it’s a play, it’s a war,
it’s a shame that we’re always fighting for.
I don’t mean to cast no blame,
I don’t intend to pretend, I could, never loved you more.
But in the blink of an eye, everything you ever knew can change
And it’s a beautiful lie if you think everything will always stay the same

Babe.
My babe.
You got a secret – it’s starting to show.
My babe.
Sweet babe.
How long can you keep it?
How far would you go?
You tell a beautiful lie.
And it’s going to, it’s going to drive you crazy.

Gravity

" I am responsible for everything except for my very responsability, for I am not the foundation of my being. Therefore everything takes place as if I were compelled to be responsible. I am abandoned in the world...in the sense that I find myself suddenly alone and without help, engaged in a world for which I bear the whole responsability without being able, whatever I do, to tear myself away from this responsability for an instant."

[Jean-Paul Sartre]

Hey

"I love you. I know, but it scares the hell out of me."

3/11/2011

Ma intorc ca un bumerang

si calc pe nisipuri miscatoare

care inghit pasi si ochi si buze

cu o foame de nestapanit.

Ma intorc sa imprastii cenusa

pe un pamant sec si strain

care nu ma mai primeste ca altadata,

senina si cruda.

Sunt iar bolnava si ma intorc

in spatii care nu mi-au lipsit,

ma cuprind senzatii care se aseaza fortat in trup,

stimuli care il consuma.

Ma intorc.

La naiba!

Atat.

the inspiration

[Please watch also part 1, 2 and 3.]

*

*

I love this woman!

Afterglow

Am obosit. Duc un razboi pe care nu pot sa-l explic. E razboiul meu si atat.

Nu-mi mai incap cutitele in gura, nu pot sa le mestec.

E atata liniste in jur incat mi-e greu sa ma aud gandind.

Am obosit.

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest...

Orgolii

Azi e mai frumos decat ieri. E sfidator. Trebuie sa ma trezesc, sa ma prefac ca o sa intarzii. Asta ma motiveaza sa arunc repede cateva haine pe mine. Intr-una din zilele astea trebuie sa le schimb. Nu se mai potrivesc. Ies in strada si astept sa ma pierd in multime. Evident, nu-mi pasa ce faci, cum esti, cu cine. Vine masina, ma asez pe unul din locuri, la geam, sa ma distrag din ganduri. La naiba cu melodia lor si radioul de doi lei ! Pacat ca suna bine, stiu foarte bine ce inseamna si de unde s-o adun. E pe jos, acolo unde stau si hainele de care m-am plictisit, si zilele peste care calc, evident, cu indiferenta.

Sunt ranit. Orgoliul e ranit, dar e ascuns bine. Oamenii nu trebuie sa vada asta ci indiferenta. E stupid nu? Stiu. Oricum, afara e frumos si eu merg cu 10 oameni care ma vad indiferent si tacut, privind pe geam. La naiba cu melodia lor! O s-o postez pe Facebook. De ce? Pai pentru ca pot! Si pentru ca nu-mi pasa. Exact de asta.

Stupid.

[no][ordinary][love]

*

"He had a word, too. Love, he called it. But i had been used to words for a long time. I knew that word was like the others: just a shape to fill a lack; that when the right time came, you wouldn't need a word for that anymore than for pride or fear."

(William Faulkner)

Energii

Am tendinta de a exagera. Stiu asta. Mai stiu si ca am pierdut multe lucruri din impulsivitate, nervi gratuiti, energii negative sau pur si simplu, fara sa pun prea mult pret pe logica atunci cand trebuia. Tata imi spune mereu ca, daca as fi fost barbat, caracterul meu dificil ar fi fost probabil un atuu care mi-ar fi deschis multe usi insa, ca femeie, urmeaza sa pierd multe lucruri sau sa realizez ca nu pot sa fac mereu lumea sa danseze dupa cum cant. Stiu asta, asa cum toti dependentii sunt la un moment dat constienti de starile in care se aduc cu incetinitorul. Unii din ei insa se vindeca, eu nu.

Zilele astea am simtit o umbra de energie ciudata la tot pasul. M-am tot electrocutat de oameni, lucruri, am visat aiurea, am simtit nevoia sa tip, sa ma manifest deloc elegant, sa ma salbaticesc. Mai mult decat oricand am simtit ca sunt in centrul atentiei fara sa-mi doresc asta; ca lumea asteapta reactii din partea mea, indicii despre starea de spirit care i-a scos din sarite pe unii, mai ales pe el. Nu cred ca e ceva de zis sau de explicat. Asta sunt, cu sau fara energii, ciudata si neinteleasa sau dimpotriva, mai obisnuita decat ma pot accepta.

Love, M.

[...]

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

*

*

But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear someday
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

24/02/11

Trebuie sa-ti infasori inima intr-un ambalaj pe care sa-l uiti impachetat.

Trebuie sa treaca ore, zile, ani, ochi si maini straine peste coastele moi.

Trebuie s-o lasi singura sa cunoasca distanta, sa simta lipsa,

Sa se schimonoseasca in toate felurile ca un copil rasfatat, si sa invete.

*

Trebuie sa ai rabdare cu noptile in care simti ca nu existi,

Atunci cand mainile se lungesc si ochii se deschid larg si gura tanjeste dupa alte cuvinte.

In noptile acelea sangele se varsa inundand tot, clocotind.

Trebuie sa-l lasi sa curga in trupul in care dormi, flamand de viata.

*

Trebuie sa ma conving ca nu esti bun, sa ma conving ca nu sunt buna,

Si sa te oblig sa pleci fara sa te intorci dupa bucati din inima deja impachetata.

Trebuie sa imi inchid obloanele si sa imi ascut cuvintele, sa le fac sa doara,

sa ramana acolo in fiecare ceas si sa traseze distante intre noi.

*

Trebuie sa uiti si sa zambesti, dar sa respiri inca, prins in ambalaj.

Trebuie sa te intorci de fiecare data mai cald si mai luminos, mai uman decat mine,

sa te asezi la locul tau in care nu-ti fac loc,

si sa ma obligi in fiecare zi, sa te port cu mine, sa ma contrazic.

*

Trebuie.